A prayer...

 Memories! 

 

 Blurred and hazy like the images above

As days go by, Mom's grasp on time, indeed the period slips and she goes more and more into yester years, the frame of her childhood, teenage, recalls people from that time, people who have passed on, many I don't even know of, some I have heard about, a few I have met. She dreams of them, notably, during her afternoon naps and they seem to take a life of their own and make their presence felt in our evenings. Her initial responses are sometimes grounded to physical actions but her mind, her mental-scape, as it were is somewhere else. And therein, lies my struggle & my biggest fear. 

I see her fracturing, right in front of me, i see her being lost, lost to me that is, because she no longer occupies the same time-frame as me and I pray to Gods All above to give me the strength to not make her conform to me! Give me the strength, pls I pray to stand fast, strong and true, to not impose my desire to glue her back, to just let her be, give me the strength to be what she needs me to be. Sometimes, I am a sister, mother, an aunt, a cousin, sometimes a great grandmom, grandmother, but less and less am I me! 

Grant me the the strength not to break when she turns around and calls me by my name, when the connection is remade and then she says: Did I just make you my sister, aunt.... I am sorry, I know you are my daughter, the one I live with, the one taking care of me! Then I choke and fight back tears, storing these moments because I know as time goes on, these will be far and few!

Grant me the patience to gently respond to the repeated "what am I to do next", "what am I watching, why". Grant me the strength to explain to her why her memory is going... in face of her assertion that she is unwell and therefore forgetting stuff and that she will be okay in 2/3 days and she will regain her lost memories. Give me the strength to tell her that it is ok, if some memories are lost, that they will come by when it is time!

Grant me the strength to cloak/cover, encircle her in peace, love, gentleness, security, give me the strength to be the mother to my own mother. Allow me to be a part of her normal, playing the roles she puts me in, even as I continue my normal life, in my age & time.

 Give me also the strength and patience to handle well-meaning relatives, friends when they bombard me with hectoring directives, strident queries, about what I have done, what I have not and insist that I make her do certain things for long stretches. Give me the patience & fortitude to explain to them, that her fractured mind cannot sit still for long, that sometimes the silence & discipline required to do so is now beyond her grasp. Grant me the grace to excuse the impatience, the lack of sensitivity/consideration, to not react to it, as it dilutes from my  task. Give me the courage to continue doing what benefits her most - despite whatever people may say!

Give me the strength to do what she needs me to do, and not what I want to do. This is not a prayer for my mother, this is a prayer for me! Hey Bhagwan, tu ne aaj tak sambhala hai, shakti di hai, aaj aur kal bhi dena... uske saamne nahin todna mujhe Bhagwan, woh bilkul toot jayegi!