Lost Words

Lost Words!

Mom's loved Bougainvillea

It's now been about 15 months since I lost mom (Dec30, 2022) and life somehow seems to have hit a massive roadblock. I move, that is true, I live, striving to fulfill her last commandments to me, but there's a deep emptiness inside. Last year was bad, filled with what ifs and guilt that maybe I could have done more. Had it not been for family (immediate, & extended) I would have probably crumbled. Last year was all about loss, about understanding that she was no more, about seeking her consciously & unconsciously everywhere! Heartrending emptiness would be followed by slow acceptance and then something or someone would offer a trigger and the cycle would repeat again. There were exhortations from some in the extended family/friends circle to go on with life and not cling to loss and I could feel myself shrinking & withdrawing. There were also many expressions of support. 

As my aunt said to me when I met her in Feb last year: 

You are because she was. You are hers, she's in you. Every step of the way, you carry her, her love, care, teaching with you. Therefore, even as it hurts to have lost her physically, she's still there. Keep her in your heart, be full, be happy. Mothers are happy when their children are happy & flourishing. Her blessings, her love are always with you. As much as you couldn't see her suffer, her soul cannot bear you suffering. So  smile, if is tinged with pain, so be it, live not just for yourself but for her, too!

These words help me everyday! A cousin also helped when she said: 

I remember Mom (she lost her mom about 16 years ago) everyday; some memories bring moisture to my eyes, others make me smile & laugh aloud. You will also get there, it takes time!

As most of you would likely know, I used to post on the flowers blog, but somehow, somewhere

Words have lost their spark

Rhymes to darker times do hark

Flowers are pleasing to the eye

The heart sees them and emits huge sighs

Time tumbles and turns

Memories do churn

The gaze falls on an empty chair

Her presence is sought here and there

Utter silence meets the ears

And then there are so many tears

Who would have thought loss would hit so hard

Piercing like a pointed glass shard

Time lends a healing touch

But sometimes it’s too little, sometimes too much

A fog seems to have overtaken the brain

Words, emotions, feelings tumbling in an unknown refrain

One foot in front of another do I go

Sometimes rapid, at times slow

Destinations, goals are somewhere lost

Bumbling, fumbling at what cost

I have over the last 10-months or so attempted to write, to restart the blog, but praise & lighter rhymes do not come forth. Above my own loss is the absolute depravity & bestiality on show, as it were in Gaza, that renders me further speechless & powerless

Consciously, unconsciously, frowning she stood
Looking out of the window, seemingly lost
Over a chirping, coming alive hood

Life, it seemed at once at standstill and rushing by

Grief, a silent steady thrumming drum

Humanity ripped of its veneer

Greed, hunger, a base animalistic cohort exposed

I will strive to write, but words may not be airy-fairy, with the lightness & cheer that nature's bounty via her flowers deserves